TEXTBOOK

GAGA’S WORKSHOP, A JOURNEY I HAD LAST NIGHT

Last night, I went to Barneys New York to visit Gaga’s Workshop. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from the Mother Monster, but I knew it wasn’t going to be the typical scene of Madison and 60th. Here is a brief 30 point account of last night’s events.

1. Cops! My car got sirened at. Fuck the police.
2. Oh look, there’s Prabal Gurung wearing the Junya fair isle baseball jacket. Gotta cop some Junya at the CO-OP.
3. Oh hey, I’m in the elevator now, aren’t we all excited?
4. (I hope they have a bathroom in Gaga’s Workshop)
5. The door is about to open, I’m definitely intrigued by the workshop. The doors open, drag queen statues everywhere talking at me.
6. Hey look! It’s Bryan wearing a onesie and a feathered coat and Wendy who I haven’t seen in a long time! Let’s hang out you guys.
7. Oh look, there’s lady Gaga’s face on a cookie! I’m going to eat you, girl.
8. (I really need a bathroom)
9. (There’s a bathroom on 6!)
10. Go upstairs and talk about life with security guard by the bathroom while waiting for elevator. He works the night shift and has to be there till 6:00 am, ouch.
11. Back downstairs
12. Hey look it’s Leandra! Sweet man, we’re pals now because we did that thing together.
13. Let’s get a drink, is there beer?
14. No, no beer. I’ll take a gin and tonic then, delicious.
15. No alcohol inside the workshop, only in the party room, which I’ve now named “The Champagne Room” and you can’t have sex their either.
16. Oh, hello Blake Lively, let me try and lure you over here with this light-up bouncy ball. Why isn’t this working? I’ll just show your assistant. Assistant enjoys my bouncy ball skill.
17. This place has everything: stuffed puff little monsters, a confection ring with fingers on it, press on rock nails, studded Michael Jackson gloves, flygrip iphone cases, a tiara for a wedding dress, a candle that cries tears from its eye canals, leather bound children’s books and an arachnid mother-monster.
18. Seth Meyers asks, “what’s an arachnid mother-monster?”
19. Stefon answers, “it’s that thing where they turn Lady Gaga into a giant spider full of Christmas presents and they explode all over a department store.”
20. Moving on, Leandra and I bumped into Danny, he’s wearing the Versace for H&M overcoat, it’s pretty nice actually.
21. Brad Walsh from twitter said hi and introduced himself, IRL.
22. Whoa! There’s Lady Gaga and she’s wearing a crazy dress that Chanel had custom made for her.
23. She’s getting closer, now is my chance to post a photo to facebook and prove that yes, I do have a life. Fuck you, high school!
24. She poses with a fan, he is immediately cropped out of my picture.
25. Phone dies and I get really pissed about it.
26. Leandra tries on Michael Jackson gloves.
27. I tell Leandra that I don’t think they’re a wise purchase.
28. We go grab another drink, this place is crazy and we talk about stuff like thanksgiving and my house.
29. My stomach craves indulgence and my work is calling my name.
30. Cheeseburger with onion rings and bacon on it with fries.

So there you have it, my evening in 30 points. If you do have time, you should really check it out. In 6 weeks, the whole thing will be gone and despite some of the wilder items up there, I will be doing plenty of Christmas shopping in Gaga’s Workshop. If you can’t make it up to Madison, you can shop the entire collection on Barneys.com.

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WHAT WOULD LYDIA DEETS WEAR?

Lydia Deets is one of my favorite apathetic characters ever. Having watched Beetlejuice many times in my childhood, I like to think that her general negative attitude toward everything rubbed off on me. I can only my children grow up with the same pessimistic outlook. Anyway, Lydia finds herself stuck in Connecticut with her frantic mother and simple father. Little do they know, their new home is where the ghosts of Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis live, isn’t that fun? Lydia forms a relationship with them and has various misadventures in the netherworld where she runs into Beetlejuice. I’m a little hazy on the details but there are sandworms and witch doctors and almost a wedding. Also, the cartoon version was great.

1. Bride of Beetlejuice

Dress by Prabal Gurung, vest by Maison Martin Margiela, shoes by Celine

2. I myself am strange and unusual

Dress by Commun, coat by Prabal Gurung, shoes by Carven

3. Shake, Shake, Shake Senora

Dress by Christian Dior, vest by Lanvin, shoes by Acne

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Maleficent, Joan of Arc, Alice in Wonderland and the Post Index.

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WHAT WOULD DAENERYS TARGARYEN WEAR?

I don’t know where to begin with Daenerys Targaryen. I don’t even know where to begin with Game of Thrones. When we first meet DT, she’s young, weak and under the control of her punk-ass brother. After marrying Khal Drogo, king of the Dothraki, she becomes Khaleesi, queen of the Dothraki. This new role changes her and she transforms from a weak girl into a dragon-lady. Seriously, she gives birth to dragons. Also, her brother dies, hooray! Too bad though, her husband dies, boooooo. With the dragons at her side, she goes on to fight for her birthright to the throne of the seven kingdoms and all that jazz.

1. I’m the Khaleesi, do whatever I say and everything will be a-okay

Dress by Alberta Feretti, shoes by Elie Tahari

2. These are my babies, they are dragons.

Dress by Peter Pilotto, shoes by Prabal Gurung

3. KHALEESI RULES

Dress by Donna Karan, shoes by Proenza Schouler

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What Would Irene (Personified) Wear?

I ditched the city for Connecticut this weekend and on the way to dinner my family started asking me what I thought Irene would wear if she was you know, not a hurricane. Right away, I played the Rodarte card and then started thinking some Prabal Gurung—sort of that Miss Havisham whirling mess type, ya know. Later on, Prabal Gurung actually tweeted to ask if his followers thought she’d be an all black type or color-blocking type. I figured if both my Dad and Prabal Gurung wanted to know, I could do a post on it. So here it is and it’s all 95 mph appropriate. Fine family fun for your hurricane tumbling.

1. I keep tornadoes in my handbag, I’ll mace you.

Dress by Rodarte, boots by Thakoon

2. Blowin’ errybody.

Dress by Prabal Gurung, tights and shoes by Anna Sui

3. Pshhhh my eye is collapsing, BFD.

Dress by Viktor & Rolf, tights by Prabal Gurung, boots by Lanvin

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WHAT WOULD ELEANOR OF AQUITANE WEAR?

Hello Textbook people, I’m glad to be back, work has been crazy lately but hey, it pays my bills. Here we have Eleanor of Aquitane, basically the most bitchin’ badass woman of medieval times. Eleanor was a highly educated, strong willed and fiercely political. When she was 15, she became Queen of France and traveled to fight in the second crusade. Yup, she fought in the crusades, good for her. After the crusade, she divorced her husband and married King Henry of England and had a rather unhappy marriage. Eight kids later, the couple was estranged and Eleanor sort of ran her own show and set up a salon called “The Court of Love” where the brightest minds of the age discussed love, marriage and duty. One of her sons chose to rebel against her husband and her support found her in prison for 16 years but she was set free after Henry died. She’s also widely acknowledged to be one of the most beautiful women ever. Badass.

1. Queen of France

Coat by Celine, dress by Marc Jacobs, boots by Prada

2. I’m in the crusades, yo!

Cape by Jean Paul Gaultier, dress by Alexander McQueen, boots by Dries Van Noten

3. Oh great, I’m in prison

Coat by Vera Wang, dress by Prabal Gurung, shoes by Lanvin

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